I'm that kind of guy who enjoys watching terrible movies. They can have the ability to both help you appreciate good movies, and entertain in a way that few good movies ever could. Mostly, it will be because they are just plain laughably awful.
But tonight I witnessed the bad movie to end all bad movies. This was not just ordinary horrible movie. This was not an example of someone putting something together quickly with terrible results. No, this was the work of a master, someone with good intentions who failed so miserably. This was "Birdemic: Shock and Terror."
Few words can describe what I witnessed for that 90 minute duration time. The first thought I had though, once the film ended, was this: I want to smash this television set with a baseball bat. Yes, I still had a great time watching "Birdemic." Yes, at parts I laughed so hard I could barely breath. But it just left such a bad aftertaste. Right now, I could be writing my review of the masterful "Animal Kingdom," but I feel I am committing a good act of public service by writing about "Birdemic" first.
For starters, here is a brief premise of "Birdemic": a successful, young software salesman meets the girl of his dreams, and then all the birds in the world get angry about how humans treat the environment (I'm not joking) and start killing everyone.
The entire film is shot with a camera that seems to have even worse quality then the average phone. Meanwhile, the transitions and horrible sound quality make it seem like this film was edited on a version of iMovie from the 90s.
Now, director James Nguyen definitely went into this project with the best intentions. However, good intentions don't make a good movie. And if you want to make a good parable on the evils of global warming, you shouldn't include long monologues which are the equivalent of science class lectures. You also shouldn't include a plot about birds who get angry over environmental issues. If you want something about Angry Birds that actually makes sense, you might as well just play this game.
Not every great filmmaker needed film school (Quentin Tarantino), but they all at least tried to understand what a good movie was before they made one themselves. Nguyen meanwhile directs as if he's never watched a film in his life. This is literally the worst edited film I've ever seen. Most of its running time consists of people driving nowhere, with some snippets of plot in between. Having a little bit of downtime in a film is never a bad thing. Having that downtime take over your entire film, on the other hand, is absolutely unbearable. Oh, and did I mention the birds poop fireballs? That's the only way to explain the film's subpar (that's the nicest way to describe them) special effects.
Now, here is the movie's absolute worst offense. When I think of bad movies, I obviously think of "The Room." Somehow, "Birdemic" did the impossible and manages to be even worse than "The Room." "Birdemic" makes "The Room" look like it actually had a sensible plot and sense of direction. Most of the green screens used in "The Room" looked more realistic than the actual backdrops seen in "Birdemic." Tommy Wiseau, you have finally met your match.
I haven't seen every bad movie ever made. I haven't seen "Troll 2" or "Plan 9 from Outer Space," and I have yet to finish "Freddy Got Fingered." However, I can safely say this: "Birdemic" is the worst made movie I have ever seen. Still, I advise you to see it. Even though it may intensify your urge to break your TV and yell at inanimate objects, just so you can truly understand the limit of awfulness, and how to cross it.
Get a preview of the awfulness here.